*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
