@squirrel74wkgn

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

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@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@MattOswaltVA

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@msmegmensa

A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.

@_Water_Baby

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@OhThatMomGlow

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.