*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.


Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…


I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners


What sound does a cow make?
Good, a duck?
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy


A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.


When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.


wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car


Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.


My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.