*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
i choose….tongue
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
best review i’ve ever seen
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.