*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
certified hallow’s eve classic
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly