Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
😅😅😅
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match