Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy