Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Reminder:

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Grandmother clock.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”