Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two year old is in complete denial that her grandpa is my dad. She gets so mad if I tell her

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable