Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Revenge served cold

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
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yes yes yes yes yes
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yes yes yesyes