Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”