Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
You Might Also Like
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone