Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

you can only post this today

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues