Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?