Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Every work call, he judges.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%