I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]