Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You Might Also Like
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Damn what did I do next
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
