Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?