Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*