Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!