Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?