Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil