Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Duolingo getting serious.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Ken is short for chicken
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.