Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.