Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It’s a gift
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?