Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Worth a try

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.