Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
What’s the point buying it then?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.