Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Still my favourite meme.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?