Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
You Might Also Like
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.