Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.