Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”