Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Yup.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
waiting for halloween be like:
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.