spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Bless you
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.