spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I put the hot in psychotic.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣