spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one