Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?