Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

I might carry a baby with one hand.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Breaking news:

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog