Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
👽
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.