Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing