Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Banking tips
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.