Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.