Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Me when I’m ovulating

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!