Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!