Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.