Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

who wore it better?

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing