Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
New mindset, who dis?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
had to make it
