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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”