@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

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@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

@dmc1138

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@ArfMeasures

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@CulturedRuffian

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!