@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

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@thedad

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

@clichedout

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

@wesjohnson8

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

@Mikecanrant

When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.

@batkaren

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

@HonestToddler

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

@Storminika

The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?