[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?