Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime