Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
normalize having existential bread
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.