Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
me hooking up with my ex
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”