Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye