Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for