Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

I came this close!!!!

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

I wish I were this cool 😂

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.