Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But that’s none of my business

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right