Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

What a website

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.