sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
