@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

@molly7anne

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

@daddydoubts

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

@lovemydogduck

I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.