Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
Me: what do you want with it?
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
Doesn’t seem very hygienic.
I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*