I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.