Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*looks at you in batman voice*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
