Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who