Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Covert ops

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY