Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.