Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
don’t be scared
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.