Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I love it
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
never ask a starfish for directions
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Good boy 😂😂
