Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas