Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

the three genders

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Uh oh 👀

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

it was a valiant fight

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”