Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread