Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Well, this is awkward

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot