Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up against my better judgement again

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”