Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

titanic

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful