Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.