Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
WHY?!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
