Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
lost dog
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner