Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

😆

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.