Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween