Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.